Living in Terror

For most of my life I watched the news of terrorist attacks in Israel from the safety of my home in America. The stories were terrifying to be sure. Restaurants and buses blown up by suicide bombers, a family of five being murdered in their beds, teenagers kidnapped and murdered, the list goes on and on. As horrendous as all these stories were, I was far removed from them. Most of the time I didn't have any close relatives or friends in Israel and I hadn't even visited Israel until a couple years ago. I had an image of Israel as this scary place where everyone's always on edge, wondering if they're going to be attacked. 

When I finally came here for a visit, I found a completely different reality. Aside from the soldiers and armed guards around town, I didn't feel much different than I would in any american town. After a couple of days here, I wasn't concerned about terrorism and I was comfortable going around town on my own. 

Two things really surprised me about Israel. The first is that it's common to see Arabs on the same buses and trains as Jews. At the mall near my apartment it would be unusual not to see a lot of Arabs shopping and having their kids play with Israeli kids in the play areas. With all the news coverage from America, I didn't expect this. The reality is that aside from isolated incidents of violence by radicals, Arabs can freely and safely move around in Israel without attracting attention. The second surprise was how much land the Arabs have. I always thought that the vast majority of the land was Jewish with a few small Arab sections. The size of the Arab territories was a complete shock to me. 

Living here this year, I've often said that I feel safer than I did living in Detroit. There were only a couple of times that I felt unsafe. Once on my way to the Kotel, I accidentally went through the Arab Shuk (marketplace), which at the time was safe, except that I didn't know where I was going. I was going to turn around and go back where I came from, but a Jewish family saw me looking lost and offered to walk with me. More recently, when the rock throwing attacks escalated, I accidentally drove into an Arab town and before I could turn around a group of Arab men approached my car and one of them pulled my door open. I'm fairly certain that they were trying to help me, or at worst harass me for money, but I didn't know that the neighborhood (Beit Safafa) was safe and I was scared, so I got out of there in a hurry. 

Recently there's been a huge surge in terrorist attacks. People were stabbed and killed in the same "safe" areas of the Old City that I walked through when I got lost. There have been stabbings and rock attacks (more like boulders and bricks) all over Israel seemingly on an hourly basis. Going out around town has a different feel for me, sirens are blaring constantly, police cars are speeding by. I'm on edge, always looking around for threats. I told myself I wouldn't change my routine, the chance of being hurt or killed by a terrorist is still relatively low and if we're too scared to go about our lives, they get what they wanted. 

I'm trying, but I'd be lying if I told you it wasn't scary. I was getting dressed this morning and I had the thought "I don't want to be seen wearing that if I'm in a terrorist attack" (Yes, I am that vain). Maybe that's my anxiety speaking, but who wouldn't be anxious living like this? When you know people are trying to kill you, solely because of your religion and the world isn't holding them responsible for their actions. When any man, woman, or child can be a terrorist trying to kill you. When you can't walk down the street, or drive down the road without being a target. That's not a way of life anyone should have to tolerate. Yet, when I do go out, the buses, streets, restaurants and stores are still crowded and everyone seems to be going on with their lives as if nothing is wrong. 

I'm not one who believes that Israel is perfect and can do no wrong. There are bad people in every country, religion, society, etc. to expect or believe that Israel is different is foolish. I like to see both sides in an argument and I can understand plenty of the complaints against Israel. That said, you can't claim this is all about "settlements" or any other rational complaint. This is about killing Jews and wiping out Israel, plain and simple. 

The scariest part is that there's no end in sight. There's no attempt to make peace by the other side. They don't want peace and why would they? They're getting exactly what they want. They're able to kill Jews and terrorize the whole country with no repercussions. In fact, it's likely that they'll be rewarded for their actions. The world doesn't care. They've bought into the whole Gaza and "illegal settlement" propaganda, facts and logic be damned. Why is it so hard to come up with a better plan? The land for peace idea is old and played out. It doesn't work. It's not some land that they want, it's all the land. Why does everything have to be either far right or far left? Why can't we have compromise? 

We go on living our lives, we survive. Eventually (hopefully) things calm down and go back to "normal" and we move on with our lives until next time. Please G-d can't we try something different for once?! 

I'm only here for a year, so as hard as it is, I'm not thinking of leaving. I can't imagine how people who live here permanently make it through all these terrorist uprisings every couple of years. One thing is for sure. When I go back to America, I won't be able to look at terrorist attacks in the same disconnected way. 

Why I hate davening

To be fair, it’s not davening (praying) itself that I hate, it’s doing it in shul (synagogue). It’s been drilled into my head since 5th grade that if you don’t daven with a minyan (quorum), your tefillos (prayers) are less likely to be answered and you're pretty much a bad Jew. That probably has something to do with why I rarely go. 

I find it hard to concentrate on davening to begin with. If I go to a shul that davens fast, I feel rushed and don't know what I'm saying half the time. If I go somewhere that davens slow enough that I can concentrate on what I'm saying, I get bored and leave early.   

Then there are the distractions. The worst is the guy that davens louder than everyone else, but only for a few words at a time. I'll be in the middle of concentrating on my tefilos and all the sudden I'll hear him and completely forget where I was. Then there’s the obviously needed repair to something in the room that hasn't been done. There’s one shul I davened at once (I wish it was just one) that was in such a state of disrepair that I spent the entire davening imagining how I could fix it up. Throw in a few talkers and shushers, and chances are I won't concentrate at all. 

When I daven at home, I don't feel like my tefillos are being ignored. I feel like I can have more concentration (at least when Matis isn't there “davening" with me), go at my own pace and overall have a more sincere and meaningful conversation with G-d. Isn't that what davening is all about? 

It doesn't help that staying home is a lot more convenient. I wouldn't make a big deal about all the minor annoyances that go along with going to shul (weather, leaving the house, seeing people, being seen by people, talking to people, finding a seat), if I felt the davening was good. 

People talk about shuls as a family of sorts, or at least as the center of a community, but that hasn't been my experience. I went to the same shul for well over 20 years and by and large nobody there would know if I completely disappeared, least of all the Rabbis. One day around Rosh Hashanah, one of the Rabbis made a speech saying that when you daven alone, you're judged on your own. When you daven in a shul, you're judged by everyone there. I took a look around the room and said to myself “Darn, I'm screwed” and that’s when I finally realized it was time to leave that shul. I realize that it wasn't a mature or nice response, in reality the majority of the congregants were good people, but at the time I couldn't see past the few I had issues with. 

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are hard times for me. I understand the severity of the days and I want to be in shul, davening in a way that is fitting for such days. I finally found a way to do that. A new shul opened that I actually enjoyed going to. The pace was nice, the people were friendly and actually spoke to people they didn’t know. Unfortunately, it was only for Shabbos and Yom Tov, which are times that I generally go to shul anyway. Even more unfortunately, all I've heard about this shul from anyone who doesn’t go there has been negative. So much negativity. I constantly have to remind myself that I'm not religious because of how religious people act or talk, I'm religious because of what I believe. 

I find myself once again, the day before Rosh Hashanah, dreading going to shul. I’m in a strange land, which I like, but which lacks the comfort of my hometown shul. I have to choose between going to a YU yeshiva and a French shul. The yeshiva will likely be overcrowded and I don’t believe there’s a way to reserve a seat. I’ll be uncomfortable the whole time, because I’ll feel like I’m in somebody’s seat, but at least they speak English. The French shul is confusing. All those French language courses I took for a couple weeks only taught me how to harass ladies who don’t want to go out for drinks with me. Quite useless, as I’ve never had a French lady refuse drinks with me. I’m leaning towards going to the French shul and davening at my own pace and nusach. I always feel like everyone there is staring at me, they probably are, can’t say I blame them, just look at me :). 

Here’s to next year being better. Maybe my doctor will finally let me take some ADHD medicine and I'll be able to find a way to enjoy going to shul (not sure I can blame it all on ADHD and OCD, but maybe?). Until I figure that out, I'll just have to trust what we say in our tefillos, that G-d knows the thoughts and intentions of all men. 

Shana Tova! 

SANDSTORM!

I woke up Tuesday morning, to an apartment flooded with a weird orangish light. I went out on the mirpeset to see what was going on and was greeted by the scene in the pictures below (sorry for the spot in the middle, I think my iphone lens is scratched) . There were police and ambulance sirens all around the roads below us, but we couldn't see what was going on. I checked the news and found out that there was a sand/dush storm that came from Syria (does Syria ever export anything good?). 

The air pollution in Jerusalem on Tuesday and Wednesday was rated 999, the worst possible score. They said that young kids, the elderly and anyone with asthma should stay inside. Of course nobody (myself included) listened and over 300 people had to be treated for severe respiratory issues. Fortunately we rented a car so we could get around and run errands before Yom Tov, so we were able to get around without breathing too much air. The one time I had to walk outside with Matis, someone from our building picked us up on the side of the road and gave us a ride. 

Even without spending too much time outside, my lips are drier than they get in the Detroit winters and my throat has been itching like crazy. Thursday was a little clearer so I was outside more and when I came back home it felt like there was a layer of dust in my lungs, not fun. The air pollution is down to somewhere in the 300s (normal clean air is 50 or lower), but they don't know when the air will be clear again. It doesn't help that the temperature has been close to 100 every day this week. Is it too early to pray for rain? 

Banning Tesla

In my last post I wrote about causes of death and injury in America. One of the things that resonated with me was the number of deaths (over 30,000 per year) and injuries (around 2.3 million per year) from car accidents. While this is a huge improvement from the numbers just a few years ago, we obviously have to make driving safer. Which begs the question; why did Arizona, Colorado, Georgia, Texas, New Jersey, Michigan (I'm disappointed in Rick Snyder, but I don't blame him, it's career suicide to go against the big 3 and the "we need to save the automakers" mentality), Maryland and Virginia all effectively ban the company (Tesla) that made the safest car ever (according to NHTSA testing)? 

If you guessed something to do with lobbyists and political contributions, you're absolutely right. The issue in dispute is Tesla's sales model. They sell directly to the consumer from their small showrooms which seem to be modeled after Apple stores. Car dealerships are not really worried about losing business to Tesla. Only a small segment of the population can afford one, they only produced 35,000 cars in all of 2014. Compare that to the 2,480,942 sold by ford alone and you see how insignificant they are to the overall industry.

What is it that they're worried about? They claim to be worried about the precedent. That GM, Ford and Chrysler will realize they can copy Tesla and cut out all the car dealers. That sounds more than a little far-fetched to me. They also claim that car dealerships have such investments in their communities, so they care more about them and offer better service. Even if you buy into their first claim, that doesn't make the second claim true. Why would a dealership owned by a car company care less about their customers? 

It seems to me that what this is really about is protecting themselves and their profits from higher demands made by their customers. If people see that they can walk into any Tesla store and buy a car at the same price and pay the same amount for service at any store, with transparency, they may wonder why other dealerships make the whole process so difficult and muddled. If you've ever bought a car, you're undoubtedly familiar with the sales games that go on("My manager is so mad at me for giving you this deal (even though it's $2,000 higher than the dealer a mile away), you better take it before he changes his mind") and the maintenance/repairs are even worse. 

To tell you the truth, I'm a little sympathetic to their concerns about cutting out the middleman. My father is a computer reseller and when Dell came out with their direct to consumer sales model, it practically eliminated all reseller profits on computer hardware. The result of that was that prices for computers dropped drastically and more people were able to afford them. Resellers had to change their business model to either make up for the lower margins, with higher sales volumes, or sell services instead of hardware. 

If the computer industry had the same laws that the Auto Dealers have successfully lobbied for, there would be no Apple stores and  more depressingly, no Microsoft stores. Jokes. If the government is going to be involved at all, it should be to increase Tesla sales and make them more affordable for the average consumer. If that happened, it wouldn't take long for the other car manufacturers to add the safety and technology features that Tesla already has. Tesla does not have a monopoly on ingenuity and I wouldn't be surprised if one of the other manufacturers came out with a car fairly soon that improves on just about everything that Tesla has. In the meantime, let the people buy the cars they want and let me keep dreaming about being able to afford one (I like to pretend that the reason I don't have one yet, is that I'm waiting for longer battery life).

In case you don't know what all the Tesla hype is about, check out this video. If you can get through Elon Musk's geekiness (I really like watching him talk, b/c he's so excited about what he's saying), it pretty cool. If you can't, here's a short summary of the Tesla model S  features:

• Completely battery powered, no gas at all. 
• Automatic emergency braking, blind spot warning, lane departure warning.
• Traffic-aware cruise control, automatic lane centering, self parking.
• Autotpilot (some features not available yet): automatically follows the road, steering around curves and varying its speed to match the flow of traffic.  Automatically change lanes by tapping the turn signal. Parks itself, on private property it can even pull into and out of your garage without you being in the car. 
• Uses radar, cameras and sonar to protect you from objects you can't see. The cameras can see stoplights, red lights and speed limit signs and take action based on those. 
• Two trunks (there's no engine)
• 250 mile range.
• Stereo that goes up to 11. It's cute and most people will like that, but I have an OCD thing about radio volume numbers and just knowing that it goes up to 11 might be enough to keep me from buying the car. 

Guns Kill

It seems like almost every day there's a tragic story involving mass shootings or some form of "gun violence". Shootings in movie theaters, schools and churches. These horrible acts strike fear in the hearts of the public. These stories are heartbreaking, especially when we have almost instant access to the life stories of everyone involved and frequently, videos of the attacks. It feels personal to a lot of us. 

Along with these new stories, there's always a fight between those calling for gun control and those who believe more guns would help thwart potential future attacks. In the last week, I've seen a lot of stories about how guns kill and America is so far behind the rest of the world on this issue. Even as a fairly right wing conservative who would own a gun if he felt he could do so responsibly, it's hard not to feel like we're doing something wrong as a country that's contributing to these attacks. The statistics thrown out by the news and activist groups are quite alarming. 

Before changing my mind and joining the anti-gun movement, I decided to do some research to see if this is in fact as bad as it sounds, or if it's just emotional response to emotional stories. I found that the CDC puts out extremely detailed information on the causes of deaths and injuries year by year and it's fascinating. I spent hours reading about how people die in our country. It's a bit morbid, but I think it's good information to have and could help you avoid joining the statistics. Every year in America roughly 2.5 million people die, here are the top 10 causes of death. 

Number of deaths for leading causes of death (2013 CDC)

• Heart disease: 611,105
• Cancer: 584,881
• Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 149,205
• Accidents (unintentional injuries): 130,557
• Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 128,978
• Alzheimer's disease: 84,767
• Diabetes: 75,578
• Influenza and Pneumonia: 56,979
• Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 47,112
• Intentional self-harm (suicide): 41,149

The CDC estimates that almost 260,000 of those deaths are preventable. I would argue that it's significantly more than that. Cigarettes alone cause 480,000 deaths per year (including 41,000 deaths from second hand smoke). Obesity, unhealthy diets and lack of exercise cause even more deaths than cigarettes (there's definitely an overlap). Overall there were 821.5 deaths per 100,000 people in 2013, the worst since 2005, but significantly better than any year from 1940-2004. 

If I understand correctly, only two of the top 10 causes are not heavily influenced by obesity or smoking: accidents and suicide. The majority of accidents are from falls, drugs, car accidents and alcohol abuse. 

In 2013 there were 35,369 deaths as a result of car accidents (1/3 estimated to involve alcohol). This is significantly better than the average from 1962-2008. There were 46,471 deaths from drugs (0 from Marijuana)  and 29,001 from alcohol. 41,149 deaths were by suicide (21,175 from self inflicted gunshot wounds), a significant increase. Suicide, drug poisoning and older adult falls are the only categories that saw an increase in deaths since 2005. 

While that's all fascinating (at least to me), let's move on to gun violence. In 2013 there were 11,208 (3.5 per 100,000) homicides by gunshot. In terms of non-fatal injuries, in 2013 there were 62,220 injuries by gunshot (with intent to harm). That's less than half the amount of "Assault/Cut/Pierce" attacks and is not in the top 20 causes of injuries. Compare that with the roughly 2.3 million injuries as a result of car accidents (source: NHTSA). 

My takeaway from all these numbers is that there are a few major issues that need to be addressed to make our country safer, in this order:

1. Obesity: In addition to causing hundreds of thousands of deaths it increases insurance costs for private insurance purchasers (i.e. those of us not getting insurance from the government) by $1140 (heart.org) and costs our economy up to $250 billion. Only 20% of adults meet the federal guidelines for physical fitness.
2. Smoking: There's nothing redeeming about cigarette smoking. Not only does it kill hundreds of thousands of smokers a year, it also kills those who live around smokers. If you want something to go away, tax it. Cigarettes are already heavily taxed & smoking rates have gone down significantly, so why not tax it more? 
3. Drunk driving, distracted driving and overall vehicle safety: Up to 1/3 of car accidents are caused by drunk driving, killing and injuring millions. 17% of car accidents involve distracted driving. Car accidents are the leading cause of death for teens. They drive faster than adults, are less likely to use seat belts, and are more likely to be under the influence of alcohol. Technology is definitely contributing to accidents (e.g. texting and web surfing while driving), but it's also a big contributor to the decrease in car accidents and there's reason to expect huge improvements in the future. Features like blindspot detection systems, lane departure warning, adaptive cruise control and collision prevention systems like the autopilot feature on the Tesla model S promise to make driving safer for everyone. 
4. Drugs: The war on drugs is much derided and rightfully so. Marijuana is a relatively safe drug (safer than cigarettes and alcohol), drug dealers are not safe. People say that it's a gateway drug and it's true that many people move to heavier drugs, but that likely has more to do with the people than the drugs. Legalizing marijuana and having it sold by licensed stores, takes away the interaction with the drug dealers who push harder drugs. It can also provide quite a bit of tax revenue. T
5. Suicide: More people die in the US annually (41,149 in 2013, plus nearly 500 non-fatal injuries) from suicide than car accidents and the numbers are increasing. Clearly we need to get more serious about helping those with mental health issues. This could also help avoid future violent attacks and mass shootings. 

Gun violence is horrible, but it would seem that the attention it receives is disproportionate to the actual severity of the problem. It's extremely unlikely that you'll be shot and even less likely that you'll be shot randomly. Still, guns are powerful devices that can be deadly, not unlike cars. Before you can drive a car, you have to pass tests to show that you know the laws, why shouldn't that be the case for guns. A simple background check that can weed out violent ex-cons and people who have suspended drivers licenses for driving drunk and the like makes sense. I don't see why we force gun shops to do similar background checks and don't hold gun shows or private owners to the same standard. It also makes sense to have a short waiting period before one can buy their first gun. Why not have a simple test to show that the potential gun owner knows how to be responsible and safe? 

Some states already have laws like this and if I understand correctly getting a permit to carry a concealed weapon is significantly more difficult and holders of these permits are far less likely to commit violent crimes. Hopefully I'll link to sources for that later. I can make the case that there's no need for further restrictions. Why should buying a gun be more difficult than buying a car, they can both be used as weapons and it's probably easier to cause mass casualties with a car? The reason I don't take a hardline position like that (even though it has merit) is that we all gain by having reasonable safety requirements. Responsible gun owners have the most to lose by allowing irresponsible people to own guns. 

Guns are not inherently dangerous. They don't up and kill people on their own. Ignorant people and those with agendas want to ban guns and many gun owners see any new restrictions as a step towards the government taking away their guns.  

The good news is we have an excellent crop of politicians running for president in the 2016 election, so we have nothing to worry about. Oh wait, what? I wish I could run for president this election (I was planning on it, before I realized the minimum age was 35, not 32), the other candidates are so ridiculous that it's not inconceivable for a no-name random person to come in and win the election. Ok, maybe I'm not the most stable or responsible person, but I'd still take my chances against the circus candidates. 

Seeing that I won't be running for president, maybe I'll have time to write some new posts that actually have something to do with living in Israel. 

Flying safely with a toddler

I'm sure most of you know that airlines typically allow children under two to fly for free (or 10% fare internationally). What I didn't know, until recently was that not only is it impractical to carry a baby for a whole flight, it's also unsafe (for your child and other passengers). To quote the FAA (link http://www.faa.gov/passengers/fly_children/):

"Did you know that the safest place for your child on an airplane is in a government-approved child safety restraint system (CRS) or device, not on your lap? Your arms aren't capable of holding your child securely, especially during unexpected turbulence. "

The statistics on passengers injured in turbulence are not so alarming, but it does happen and small kids in their parents arms are at the highest risk. The FAA is worried enough about the dangers of turbulence that it mandates seat belts for adults, why not for kids? One theory that I've seen is that they're afraid that parents will not want to pay for seats for their kids, so they'll drive instead. Driving is always significantly more dangerous than flying, so they don't want to encourage that. The NTSB also recommends child safety seats for children under two years old http://www.ntsb.gov/safety/Pages/Children.aspx. In other words, all the experts in safety say it's necessary, ignore them at your (and your kids and other passengers) own risk. 

Once I became aware of this, I purchased a seat for Matis on every flight we've taken. You would think that considering the recommendations from the FAA/NTSB and that the airlines are getting money for a child who could fly for free, they'd be prepared to deal with passengers who bring car seats. You would be wrong. At least if you're flying on KLM, Air France or Delta. 

So far we've had 3 flights between Detroit and Tel Aviv, each with at least one stopover and on every single flight the cabin crew tried to make us check our car seat (which is FAA approved). I even called the airlines and confirmed with the check-in staff each time and was told "if it's FAA approved, you can use it on the plane". Yet, every time we tried to get on the plane, we were told that we had to check it, b/c the seats were too small, or not given a reason at all. We insisted each time and after waiting for approval from the crew chief (or something like that) we were allowed to bring it.  

I wish I would have seen this earlier, but the FAA site says clearly:

"If an approved CRS, for which a ticket has been purchased, does not fit in a particular seat on the aircraft, the airline is responsible for accommodating the CRS in another seat in the same class of service."

Which leads me to a long story. 

On our Air France flight from Tel Aviv to Paris in June, the flight attendant had us switch the car seat from rear facing to forward facing because the back of the seat was touching the seat in front of us. Turns out this is actually the FAA recommended way for a kid as heavy as Matis. We complied and it fit, snugly. This was fine until a couple hours into the flight when Matis woke up and wanted to stretch his legs out, which was impossible without kicking the seat in front of him. The first time this happened the lady in front of us turned around and yelled at us. We apologized and tried to find a way to adjust him so that he would be able to sit normally without bothering anyone. Unfortunately, there was just not enough room and the next time he kicked her seat, the lady in front of us yelled at us and told us to move to different seats. 

I called the flight attendant, but it was during meal service and it took a while for her to get to us. During this time the lady continued to yell at us, despite our apologies and call for help. I don't blame her for being upset, nobody wants to have their seat kicked, but she was plain nasty. This whole time, Nehama was talking to her, trying to explain what was happening. If the lady wasn't taking up all our time yelling, we probably would've taken Matis out of the car seat in the meantime, but honestly at that point I didn't mind her getting kicked. 

When the FA came, we showed her that there was no way for Matis to sit normally without kicking the seat and asked her what we could do. Initially she told the lady in front that the baby has to be in his seat, so if you can't deal with the kicks we'll have you switch seats with someone else (I'm not sure who would volunteer for that change). The lady refused to be moved and yelled at the FA too. 
The FA then told us "you have to stop your son from kicking her". Again I showed her that he wasn't kicking, just trying to sit straight and asked her how we can stop that. She said "I don't know, but he can't be kicking her the whole flight". 

At this point we took Matis out of the chair and held him. I asked the FA if she could take the car seat away so at least we could use the seat, she said no. I said, ok, we'll hold him for the next five hours, if that's what we have to do. She agreed that that's what we should do. Nehama asked her if they would refund our ticket since we couldn't use the seat and she said "No, the airline did nothing wrong, the problem is not our seats, it's your son's feet.". 

She later came back and offered to move a different passenger from the row in front of us to business class, so the other couple could move over one seat and have no one sitting next to them. Then we'd be able to use the car seat. The couple refused to even move over one seat, but the other person agreed to move to business class. We had to move to car seat to the aisle seat (it's supposed to be in a window seat so it doesn't block you from getting out in an emergency), but at least we could use it. 

I wonder what would've happened if an adult passenger was kicking the seat in front of him, or if he was too tall or fat to sit in the seat without bothering passengers around him. I doubt he'd be treated with such disrespect. Congratulations Air France, you can bully an 18-month old.  

This whole experience was so bad and we were dreading the flight so much that we stayed in Detroit for an extra week. I contacted Air France, KLM and Delta before our return flight (they were all part of it for some reason I don't fully understand) to make sure nothing like this would happen again. They gave me the same advice as usual "if it's FAA approved, you can use it on the flight". That's great, but then why did they tell me at the gate that I had to check it and when they finally gave in to my complaints they said "bring it at your own risk, we can't help you with it". 

I know that commercial air travel is accepted as a torture we must endure if we want to travel, but I still expect more when paying $1,000+ for a toddler to fly. 

P.S. I held off on posting this until I received a reply to the complaint I made with Air France, which I received today. Their response was to quote back everything in my complaint and say "I understand". They ended by saying that the FA was wrong and I should have received better service. Um, thanks?

Flying

One of my biggest dreams has always been to be an airline pilot. Unfortunately, it's practically impossible for an Shomer Shabbos Jew to get hired by an airline. I did extensive research on the legal issues involved in forcing an employee to work on a day their religion does not allow them to work. There have been numerous lawsuits against companies that do this, alleging violations of the various laws that protect us from religious discrimination. Employers are required to make reasonable accommodations for  employee's religious needs. The airlines get around this because they're employees are unionized and are on a seniority system, where the more senior employees get first pick of schedules. The courts have ruled in several similar cases that the companies do not have to make an exception in cases like mine. 

I could go through the process of getting hired by an airline, without telling them that I can't work on Shabbos and then just not show up. They'd have a hard time firing me for it, because I could tie them up in lawsuits for years and in all likelihood it would be easier for them to buy me out, or even ignore my refusing to work on Shabbos. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I did that, so I've pretty much put my dreams aside, for now. I got my Private Pilot's License in April 2008 as a way to try to satisfy my dreams of flying and to give myself the freedom to get out of Detroit when I needed. 

Flying for me is all about freedom. There's an indescribable feeling you get when you're flying a plane, by yourself, thousands of feet above the ground. It's a great escape from the stress and troubles of life. It doesn't allow you to focus on anything besides what you have to do to fly the plane. You do get to see incredible views of the world around you in the process. 

For a couple years I flew around Michigan occasionally and really enjoyed it. It was expensive, but I don't regret one penny I spent on flying. I continued my training, hoping to get an Instrument rating (that's what lets you fly in the clouds and low visibility weather). I was hoping to fly around the country one day and possibly even work as a flight instructor, for fun. Then one day, I stopped flying.

I don't know why I stopped, my best excuse was the money. I always said I'd still fly and I would occasionally stop by the airport and see my old instructors. I'd tell them I would be scheduling a flight soon, I'd check the current prices, but five years went by without a single flight. Pilot's certificates don't expire, but they require a valid medical certificate which does expire and a certain amount of recurrent training. I don't have either of those now. 

I went to the airport a couple weeks ago, to watch the planes. I stopped in the flight school, just to chat. I got the current prices, met some new instructors and walked back to my car. About halfway to my car, I stopped. I thought "I'm not going to come back if I leave now, why don't I fly now?". Then I thought I was being stupid. You're supposed to schedule a flight at least a few hours in advance, there's no way I could fly now. So, I kept walking, but I didn't get into my car. 

I called Nehama and told her what I was thinking, I kind of expected her to tell me not to fly, that would've been a convenient excuse for me to chicken out. Instead she said "what do you have to lose by asking?". I went back inside and asked if anyone was available to fly with me and what do you know, there was. I went out for a short flight. I did all the flying from takeoff to landing and some practice maneuvers. I won't say it was like riding a bike, I lost a lot of skill and instinct in the 5 years off, but I did ok. The instructor didn't have to correct anything, he just let me get comfortable and fly. It was awesome. 

Last week we went on a short trip to Northern Michigan. The first stop we made in St. Ignace was the local airport. We met the guy in charge who offers sightseeing tours to tourists, surprisingly it wasn't too expensive.  He was the kind of guy that I think of as an old time pilot. Always willing to talk about flying to anyone who will listen. The next morning we booked him for a half hour flight around Macinac Island. I want Nehama to get into flying, so I had her sit in the co-pilots seat and I sat in the back (I can't tell you how hard that was for me to do). The weather was perfect, the air was smooth and the view was magnificent. Nehama had a great time and G-d willing, I'm going to get her to actually fly a plane in the near future! 

Depression and Suicide

It's never a good thing when I start typing a blog post after 1AM. I should be sleeping, or reading, or watching a movie, or anything besides for writing. See, the problem is that the filter in my brain seems to go away at this time of night and I tend to speak the truth, which tends to upsets people. Truth be told, I don't give a darn (Nehama, I'm only saying darn for your benefit :)) if people get upset at me for speaking the truth. Alas, I live in a bubble of happiness and insanity that is in danger of popping whenever I interact with angry people, so I try to avoid it. Oh well. 

This reminds me of a joke and since the rest of this post is going to be sad, a joke might be helpful:

A lady goes to interview for a job and has the following conversation:

Interviewer: "What is your biggest weakness?".

Her: "I always tell the truth". 

Interviewer: "I actually think that's a big strength". 

Her: "I don't give a F@#k what you think!" (Sorry, Nehama, "darn" wouldn't cut it here).

Nehama called me this morning upset about something she saw on Facebook. A 30 year old lady, who left her Chassidish upbringing and went "Off the derech", committed suicide by jumping off the roof of a building in New York City. I always have a hard time processing stories about suicide, especially when people jump to their deaths (I'm not sure why, but it might have something to do with happening upon the horrible scene of a suicide like this, before the police arrived a long time ago). For some reason this story didn't get to me this morning. Maybe I was caught up in my own day, or maybe I've become desensitized to stories like this. It wasn't until hours later when I read the details of the story and the articles written about it that it really hit me. A member of our (extended as it may be) community, in the prime of her life, took her own life. This shouldn't have happened. 

I don't want to talk about this particular victim. I didn't know her and I feel like it's disrespectful to her and her loved ones to speculate and I'd like to avoid that and instead talk about the subject in a broader way. I'm not an expert in psychology, or mental illness, what I'm saying is based on my own experiences and research and I welcome corrections and explanations. 

I was speaking with a Psychologist recently about why people commit suicide and she told me something I found interesting: "Mentally healthy people never commit suicide". People who are mentally healthy can have all kinds of difficulties and they can say "hey, this sucks, but I can do something to make it better" or "things will get better in time". Someone suffering from depression, or other mental illness, might not be able to say that. Situations that we see as difficult, but possible to overcome, may seem hopeless to them. 

If we accept that only mentally ill people commit suicide, the next question is "what causes mental illness"? This is where it gets complicated. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, depression is most likely caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. One of the differences between sadness and depression, is that sadness typically goes away when the cause is removed, depression does not. In other words, if abuse or rejection led to depression, if the abuse and rejection stopped, the depression would remain. My understanding is that depression needs to be treated with therapy, medication and possibly exercise. All of those together can increase the serotonin levels in the brain to a healthy level. 

Ironically, just a couple days ago I wrote a post about mental health in which I took the easy way out and shared a video someone else made about their depression http://whatamidoinginisrael.blogspot.com/2015/07/mental-health.html.

Writing this post, I decided that it was wrong of me to take the easy way out, when I could possibly help someone else by being more open. I was recently diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety (amongst other issues that I would talk about if I understood them at all) . I should have gone for help 15 years ago when I first thought I was depressed, but I didn't want to have something wrong with me. That was stupid! Thank G-d I'm getting the help I need, but there are many others who are not, because they're afraid of the stigma and I don't want to be part of that, so I'm sharing part of my story.

In my attempts to understand myself and figure out how to get better, I discovered that psychology is extremely complex and not set in stone. There are lots of chicken and egg situations. Did my depression or ADHD (I forgot to mention that one) lead to my troubles in high school, or vice versa? Are my ADHD symptoms real, or caused by depression? I can go on and on, but I digress. 

The reason I started to write this post is that I got upset about the assumptions people were making publicly in the case of this poor girl who jumped off that roof. It's natural to want to place blame when something like this happens. It's often easy to blame the family and the community, but that doesn't make it right. Nobody knows whether the chicken or the egg came first. People's lives are a lot more complex than the parts we see. Yes, it's possible, even probable, that whatever you blame for someone's suicide was a factor. That person was not just the struggle that you identify with, they were more than that and to reduce them to your cause is not a good way to honor their memory, IMO. 

One thing is clear to me. Regardless of our religion, politics and other differences, we can all do something to help. Remember that everyone you come into contact with is a person, a complex human being with feelings. Treat them how you'd want to be treated and you won't be part of the problem. A little kindness and empathy can go a long way and so can a little cruelty. When you see someone doing something "wrong", whether in a religious, social, or work situation, don't push them away because they upset you. Their life is not about you. I can't tell you how many people criticized me for making what they considered to be irresponsible decisions. I stayed in situations harmful to my mental health for years, because I was afraid of what others would say. I'm not going to resort to scare tactics, suffice it to say that I would not be as ok as I am now if I hadn't gotten over my fear and made some big changes. 

The scary part of all this is that all the love and understanding in the world won't help some people recover from depression. It's a real disease that can be fatal, even with the best treatment. Fortunately, most people can be helped and if we educate ourselves (watch the video in my last post, it's a good start), we might just save a few lives (possibly even our own). I consider that to be worthwhile. 

As a side note, to the NY Post: I went on a few dates and actually got engaged to Nehama on the rooftop of 230 5th avenue that Faigy jumped from. Every time I was there I tried to stand on a bench by the ledge to get a better view and every time I was asked to get down by a staff member. The issue here is really not the safety of the rooftop, or the people who were there partying who didn't know that someone had jumped. 

Mental Health

Mental health is a hot topic lately. Everywhere you go someone's talking about how we need to be more open about it. Yet, there's still a taboo about it and most people are uncomfortable talking about their own issues, so instead they share articles and videos made by other people who got over their discomfort. It would be nice if people didn't have to be afraid to share their own thoughts, but there are plenty of reasons not to. That said, I'm going to take the easy way out and share a video someone sent me that I found interesting (it's kind of heavy). Also check out this comic, b/c what better way is there to learn than through comedy? http://cheezburger.com/7937393408

What are we teaching our kids?

On a typical day, I pick Matis up from Gan at 3:45 and take him to the park for around an hour. When we get home after the park, he tends to be difficult and fussy. Recently, I was looking for "The wheels on the bus" on youtube to distract him and I found a 55 minute video of different nursery rhymes. Matis was absolutely fascinated and sat still (aside from showing off his dance moves) for the entire video! 

This video has become my go to method for calming him down when he's throwing a tantrum (I know, I'm horrible) and I've been watching a lot of it with him. Listening to the words of the songs, I couldn't help but wonder what the heck the person who made them was thinking. Here are a few of my thoughts on some of the more popular songs: 

1. 5 Little Monkeys

So, you got a bunch of monkeys jumping on a bed, one falls off and bumps his head. The mother calls the doctor and the doctor says "no more monkeys jumping on the bed". Hold up! What kind of medical school did this doctor go to? What about the concussion protocol? I'm sure the mother didn't call for this doctor to preach about her parenting choices. Now there's 4 monkeys jumping on the bed, which begs the question; what happened to the fifth one. Did he learn his lesson and stop jumping, or maybe he died? After all, he might've had an undiagnosed concussion and his doctor is an idiot. "Five little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and now he's dead? Momma called the doctor and she said you're gonna be hearing from Geffrey Feiger". Anyway, continuing this gruesome tale another monkey falls off the bed and apparently the momma called the same doctor who said "no more monkeys jumping on the bed". At this point you'd think the mother would yell at the doctor and demand proper medical attention, but she doesn't and again she doesn't take his advice and the other three monkeys are still jumping on the bed! Now the third monkey falls off the bed and the momma calls the doctor again. At this point the doctor should be yelling at the mother and calling child protective services, but no, self-righteous doctor isn't done preaching yet "no more monkeys jumping on the bed". Another monkey falls off the bed and momma calls the doctor. Now I'm taking the doctor's side, what a patient doctor he/she must be to answer this lady's calls, even though she constantly ignores his advice! Yet again she fails to listen to him and the last monkey falls off and presumably dies. Moral of the story, monkeys need to stick to their natural habitats and stay off the beds! 

2. 5 Little Ducks 

This song is about a mother duck who lets her five children go out one day, they swim off and only four of them come back. The next day she repeats the exercise and only three come back. The next day she lets them out again. At this point I'm yelling at the screen "No, you idiot mother, you're gonna lose another duck!" WTH is she thinking? but no, she doesn't listen to me and what do you know only two ducks came back. What do you think happens next? Does mother duck learn her lesson and not let her kids go to a dangerous place where they're likely to disappear? Haha, not this Einstein. She lets them out yet again and loses another duck. Now she's only got one duck left. Obviously she's going to spend the rest of her life protecting her only child, right? Nope, maybe she got depressed about losing the other four and figured she'd be better off with none, because she let the last duck go out and disappear. The next day Sad mother duck went out. "Sad"? Who the heck gave her the right to be sad? Remorseful, guilty, neglectful, stupid, I can deal with, but sad? Sorry, I'm gonna save my tears for someone more worthy. Then comes the BS ending, all five ducks came back. I guess it's better than the truth, that they were all killed and served to some rich guy at a fancy restaurant, but who would believe that they'd go back to such a mother?

3. Humpty Dumpty

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again."

First of all, what were his parents thinking giving him a name like that?! This story used to give me nightmares as a kid. Do kids really need to hear about dismemberment? Why are the horses trying to put him back together, that sounds like a horrible plan? 

4. This Old Man 

I don't know what Knick-Knack is, but why is this old man playing it all over a kid's body? He sounds really creepy. Doesn't sound likely that he'd be playing it up in heaven after all he did to that poor kid. 

5. Three Little Kittens

The three little kittens lost their mittens and went to their mother crying and admitting to their mistake. The mother calls them "naughty kittens" and tells them they get no pie. 20 years later these kittens will be in therapy, trying to deal with their self esteem issues and the mother will be back home complaining about stupid therapists who blame everything on the mothers. 

I guess the bottom line is nobody cares as long as the kid stops crying :-) 

Sold!

When we decided to spend this year in Israel, we were fairly confident that we would be able to sell our house before we moved. The problem was we were so busy doing other things, that we didn't really do anything to market the house. The smart thing to do would've been to hire a real estate broker, but it was hard for me to stomach paying thousands of dollars in commission to someone who most likely would be selling my house to someone I already know.

We had a lot of interest in the house and a lot of people said they would put in offers, but people knew we were moving and assumed we were desperate and thought they could get the house below market value by waiting us out. I understand that everyone wants a bargain and I'm not going to go on a rant (although it is tempting) about the horrible (IMO) things that people are willing to do to save a few dollars.

It was hard moving before the house was sold, but we had a number of good verbal offers that were promising to send over contracts any day, so we weren't really worried. Long story short, not long after we moved, friends of ours looked at the house and really wanted to buy it. We had a couple offers we were working on that were better financially, but after all we went through with people playing games and trying to take advantage of us, we figured it was best to deal with someone we could trust. It's tricky negotiating with friends, especially when you're on opposite sides of the world and sending messages through Facebook. Fortunately we were able to bring in a realtor to help us work through it and we agreed to a deal.

As could be expected, as soon as we signed the accepted offer, we got a big increase in interest in the house. People were calling claiming to be willing to pay our full asking price and even after we told them we were under contract, they continued to check in every couple weeks hoping the house would be available again. It took a long time to actually close on the house, but we finally got it done last week! It's impossible to know what would've happened if we waited a couple weeks longer before accepting an offer, it seems likely we would've walked away with more money, but I'm choosing to be happy with this deal anyway. Extra money is definitely nice, but we're happy that we were able to sell to someone we know and we're really happy not to have to worry about paying utilities, insurance and property taxes for an empty house any longer!

As nice as it is to be done with the burden of paying the bills, it's sad to part with a house we put so much time and effort into and we will miss it. Here's some pictures of the house from the time we bought it, until we moved. I think you'll be able to tell which pictures are "before" and which are "after".

Lag BaOmer in Israel

Yeah, I know I'm late, don't act surprised! 

I thought about going to Meron for Lag BaOmer, but I'm really lazy, I hate crowds and being touched by strangers, so I listened to everyone who told me I would regret going. Instead I went out to eat with Nehama, only to find out that we were invited to a BBQ later, typical. The kids in our neighborhood have been collecting wood for their bonfires since before Pesach and driving up to our apartment it looked like the whole city was on fire. I walked around a little and found there was a pretty big Yeshiva not far from our apartment that had a huge party. It was pretty cool to watch so many people dancing and singing, but I was totally overwhelmed by the crowd, so probably a good thing I didn't go to Meron. I also couldn't deal with all the kids playing so close to fire, with little to no supervision. I know I sound like a boring old man, but I've played with fire enough to know how close you can get and these kids were too close. Pictures and videos below. 

During the day Matis's Gan had a parade/party. It was all in hebrew so I didn't understand a lot of it, but they must've said Shema 10 times and sang about Moshiach at least as often (it's a Chabad Gan). 

Gan Party 

Quotes

Once in a long while I come across something written by someone else and feel like they wrote what's in my brain. Obviously whoever wrote what I'm reading can't be so normal. Case in point, Oscar Wilde. So many of the quotes attributed to him (some are quite dubious) speak to me as if I had written them myself. I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you (not all of them are things I think) , all in one post, so I don't have to annoy everyone by posting them one at a time on Facebook :-) Just a word of caution: for a guy who sounds so sure of himself, his life didn't exactly live up to his ideas and he died a miserable outcast. 

“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.” 

“Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.” 

“I have nothing to declare except my genius.” 

“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.” 

“The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.” 

“I can resist anything except temptation.” 

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” 

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” 

“I am not young enough to know everything.” 

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” 

“I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.” 

“A good friend will always stab you in the front.” 

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” 

“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.” 

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” 

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” 

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” 

“Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.” 

“We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.” 

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being” 

“The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.” 

“Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.” 

“The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously-and have somebody find out.” 

“I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after.” 

“They've promised that dreams can come true - but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams, too.” 

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” 

“Only the shallow know themselves” 

“Consistency is the hallmark of the unimaginative.” 

“Everything popular is wrong.”