Depression and Suicide

It's never a good thing when I start typing a blog post after 1AM. I should be sleeping, or reading, or watching a movie, or anything besides for writing. See, the problem is that the filter in my brain seems to go away at this time of night and I tend to speak the truth, which tends to upsets people. Truth be told, I don't give a darn (Nehama, I'm only saying darn for your benefit :)) if people get upset at me for speaking the truth. Alas, I live in a bubble of happiness and insanity that is in danger of popping whenever I interact with angry people, so I try to avoid it. Oh well. 

This reminds me of a joke and since the rest of this post is going to be sad, a joke might be helpful:

A lady goes to interview for a job and has the following conversation:

Interviewer: "What is your biggest weakness?".

Her: "I always tell the truth". 

Interviewer: "I actually think that's a big strength". 

Her: "I don't give a F@#k what you think!" (Sorry, Nehama, "darn" wouldn't cut it here).

Nehama called me this morning upset about something she saw on Facebook. A 30 year old lady, who left her Chassidish upbringing and went "Off the derech", committed suicide by jumping off the roof of a building in New York City. I always have a hard time processing stories about suicide, especially when people jump to their deaths (I'm not sure why, but it might have something to do with happening upon the horrible scene of a suicide like this, before the police arrived a long time ago). For some reason this story didn't get to me this morning. Maybe I was caught up in my own day, or maybe I've become desensitized to stories like this. It wasn't until hours later when I read the details of the story and the articles written about it that it really hit me. A member of our (extended as it may be) community, in the prime of her life, took her own life. This shouldn't have happened. 

I don't want to talk about this particular victim. I didn't know her and I feel like it's disrespectful to her and her loved ones to speculate and I'd like to avoid that and instead talk about the subject in a broader way. I'm not an expert in psychology, or mental illness, what I'm saying is based on my own experiences and research and I welcome corrections and explanations. 

I was speaking with a Psychologist recently about why people commit suicide and she told me something I found interesting: "Mentally healthy people never commit suicide". People who are mentally healthy can have all kinds of difficulties and they can say "hey, this sucks, but I can do something to make it better" or "things will get better in time". Someone suffering from depression, or other mental illness, might not be able to say that. Situations that we see as difficult, but possible to overcome, may seem hopeless to them. 

If we accept that only mentally ill people commit suicide, the next question is "what causes mental illness"? This is where it gets complicated. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, depression is most likely caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. One of the differences between sadness and depression, is that sadness typically goes away when the cause is removed, depression does not. In other words, if abuse or rejection led to depression, if the abuse and rejection stopped, the depression would remain. My understanding is that depression needs to be treated with therapy, medication and possibly exercise. All of those together can increase the serotonin levels in the brain to a healthy level. 

Ironically, just a couple days ago I wrote a post about mental health in which I took the easy way out and shared a video someone else made about their depression http://whatamidoinginisrael.blogspot.com/2015/07/mental-health.html.

Writing this post, I decided that it was wrong of me to take the easy way out, when I could possibly help someone else by being more open. I was recently diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety (amongst other issues that I would talk about if I understood them at all) . I should have gone for help 15 years ago when I first thought I was depressed, but I didn't want to have something wrong with me. That was stupid! Thank G-d I'm getting the help I need, but there are many others who are not, because they're afraid of the stigma and I don't want to be part of that, so I'm sharing part of my story.

In my attempts to understand myself and figure out how to get better, I discovered that psychology is extremely complex and not set in stone. There are lots of chicken and egg situations. Did my depression or ADHD (I forgot to mention that one) lead to my troubles in high school, or vice versa? Are my ADHD symptoms real, or caused by depression? I can go on and on, but I digress. 

The reason I started to write this post is that I got upset about the assumptions people were making publicly in the case of this poor girl who jumped off that roof. It's natural to want to place blame when something like this happens. It's often easy to blame the family and the community, but that doesn't make it right. Nobody knows whether the chicken or the egg came first. People's lives are a lot more complex than the parts we see. Yes, it's possible, even probable, that whatever you blame for someone's suicide was a factor. That person was not just the struggle that you identify with, they were more than that and to reduce them to your cause is not a good way to honor their memory, IMO. 

One thing is clear to me. Regardless of our religion, politics and other differences, we can all do something to help. Remember that everyone you come into contact with is a person, a complex human being with feelings. Treat them how you'd want to be treated and you won't be part of the problem. A little kindness and empathy can go a long way and so can a little cruelty. When you see someone doing something "wrong", whether in a religious, social, or work situation, don't push them away because they upset you. Their life is not about you. I can't tell you how many people criticized me for making what they considered to be irresponsible decisions. I stayed in situations harmful to my mental health for years, because I was afraid of what others would say. I'm not going to resort to scare tactics, suffice it to say that I would not be as ok as I am now if I hadn't gotten over my fear and made some big changes. 

The scary part of all this is that all the love and understanding in the world won't help some people recover from depression. It's a real disease that can be fatal, even with the best treatment. Fortunately, most people can be helped and if we educate ourselves (watch the video in my last post, it's a good start), we might just save a few lives (possibly even our own). I consider that to be worthwhile. 

As a side note, to the NY Post: I went on a few dates and actually got engaged to Nehama on the rooftop of 230 5th avenue that Faigy jumped from. Every time I was there I tried to stand on a bench by the ledge to get a better view and every time I was asked to get down by a staff member. The issue here is really not the safety of the rooftop, or the people who were there partying who didn't know that someone had jumped.