What are we teaching our kids?

On a typical day, I pick Matis up from Gan at 3:45 and take him to the park for around an hour. When we get home after the park, he tends to be difficult and fussy. Recently, I was looking for "The wheels on the bus" on youtube to distract him and I found a 55 minute video of different nursery rhymes. Matis was absolutely fascinated and sat still (aside from showing off his dance moves) for the entire video! 

This video has become my go to method for calming him down when he's throwing a tantrum (I know, I'm horrible) and I've been watching a lot of it with him. Listening to the words of the songs, I couldn't help but wonder what the heck the person who made them was thinking. Here are a few of my thoughts on some of the more popular songs: 

1. 5 Little Monkeys

So, you got a bunch of monkeys jumping on a bed, one falls off and bumps his head. The mother calls the doctor and the doctor says "no more monkeys jumping on the bed". Hold up! What kind of medical school did this doctor go to? What about the concussion protocol? I'm sure the mother didn't call for this doctor to preach about her parenting choices. Now there's 4 monkeys jumping on the bed, which begs the question; what happened to the fifth one. Did he learn his lesson and stop jumping, or maybe he died? After all, he might've had an undiagnosed concussion and his doctor is an idiot. "Five little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and now he's dead? Momma called the doctor and she said you're gonna be hearing from Geffrey Feiger". Anyway, continuing this gruesome tale another monkey falls off the bed and apparently the momma called the same doctor who said "no more monkeys jumping on the bed". At this point you'd think the mother would yell at the doctor and demand proper medical attention, but she doesn't and again she doesn't take his advice and the other three monkeys are still jumping on the bed! Now the third monkey falls off the bed and the momma calls the doctor again. At this point the doctor should be yelling at the mother and calling child protective services, but no, self-righteous doctor isn't done preaching yet "no more monkeys jumping on the bed". Another monkey falls off the bed and momma calls the doctor. Now I'm taking the doctor's side, what a patient doctor he/she must be to answer this lady's calls, even though she constantly ignores his advice! Yet again she fails to listen to him and the last monkey falls off and presumably dies. Moral of the story, monkeys need to stick to their natural habitats and stay off the beds! 

2. 5 Little Ducks 

This song is about a mother duck who lets her five children go out one day, they swim off and only four of them come back. The next day she repeats the exercise and only three come back. The next day she lets them out again. At this point I'm yelling at the screen "No, you idiot mother, you're gonna lose another duck!" WTH is she thinking? but no, she doesn't listen to me and what do you know only two ducks came back. What do you think happens next? Does mother duck learn her lesson and not let her kids go to a dangerous place where they're likely to disappear? Haha, not this Einstein. She lets them out yet again and loses another duck. Now she's only got one duck left. Obviously she's going to spend the rest of her life protecting her only child, right? Nope, maybe she got depressed about losing the other four and figured she'd be better off with none, because she let the last duck go out and disappear. The next day Sad mother duck went out. "Sad"? Who the heck gave her the right to be sad? Remorseful, guilty, neglectful, stupid, I can deal with, but sad? Sorry, I'm gonna save my tears for someone more worthy. Then comes the BS ending, all five ducks came back. I guess it's better than the truth, that they were all killed and served to some rich guy at a fancy restaurant, but who would believe that they'd go back to such a mother?

3. Humpty Dumpty

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again."

First of all, what were his parents thinking giving him a name like that?! This story used to give me nightmares as a kid. Do kids really need to hear about dismemberment? Why are the horses trying to put him back together, that sounds like a horrible plan? 

4. This Old Man 

I don't know what Knick-Knack is, but why is this old man playing it all over a kid's body? He sounds really creepy. Doesn't sound likely that he'd be playing it up in heaven after all he did to that poor kid. 

5. Three Little Kittens

The three little kittens lost their mittens and went to their mother crying and admitting to their mistake. The mother calls them "naughty kittens" and tells them they get no pie. 20 years later these kittens will be in therapy, trying to deal with their self esteem issues and the mother will be back home complaining about stupid therapists who blame everything on the mothers. 

I guess the bottom line is nobody cares as long as the kid stops crying :-)