The top three things we needed to do as soon as possible were to look for an apartment, get our Teudot Zehut from the Misrad Hapnim and open a bank account. The first one was fairly easy, we set up appointments to look at apartments in Rechavia, Ramat Eshkol and Bayit Vegan, but more on that later.
I was warned that dealing with the Misrad Hapnim could be a pain, but I was not prepared for what I encountered. We first went on Monday, during the hours that the Nefesh B'nefesh website said they were open. After waiting in a long line for information, we were told "You can't do that now, come back tomorrow between 8 and 12 on the first floor'. Even though it's a pain to get there from where we were staying, I didn't think that was bad, I had been warned after all. I asked if they could give us the form to fill out so we'd be prepared and they said "no". Oh well.
So we came back the next day. We were running late and didn't get there until after 11 and there was a long line. About 15 minutes into the line, the lady at the information desk announced "If anyone in line is here for a teudat zehut, go upstairs". We went upstairs and waited in yet another line, only to be told "we can't help you here, go back downstairs". We told them that we were sent up and they said "you have no ID number, we can't help you. Go back down and tell them we said that".
Fortunately, the people who were in line around us let us take our place back in the line downstairs, in which we waiting for an additional 20 minutes. When we finally reached the front and explained everything, they gave us a form to fill out (all in Hebrew) and directed us into the big room, booth 9. So, we filled out the form and went to booth 9 where there was nobody at the other side of the desk and sat down. A while later a woman came to the desk and said "what are you doing here, go back to the waiting room until I call you". We went back to the waiting room and she called us immediately. Then she looked at our paperwork and said "it's all wrong, your visas are invalid and worthless, whoever helped you get them didn't do it right. You have to start the application over now, fill out these 3 forms and provide all the documentation requested in the next 15 minutes or I'm leaving".
Fortunately, these forms were in English and we filled them out pretty quickly, but it took about 25 minutes. We figured that we'd do what we could and if we had to come back the next day, at least we'd be prepared. For some reason, the lady decided to be nice and wait for us. We brought the forms back to her with all the requested documentation and she looked it over and said "you need photocopies of everything, go get them fast". So we ran off to make copies, but every copy machine we were directed to was broken and the information people said they couldn't help. We reported this to the lady and she told us "why didn't anyone tell you to use the machine on the other side of this floor, it's working". We ran over there, put money in the machine and started making copies as fast as we could. After 6 pages, the machine ran out of paper. My wife went to the information desk and told them, they replied "so, what do you want from me?". Again we reported back to our lady who called the information desk and got the same lady who refused to help us to bring paper.
We finished making the copies, got them all organized and returned to our lady. She looked at them and said "don't give me all them, reorganize them by family member and give me one at a time", we did that and she started with my application. She yelled at us for spelling my last name wrong and insisted we change it to the proper spelling, unless we want to be Arabs. I didn't care to argue, so I said sure, change my name. Then she yelled at me for writing my parents Jewish names instead of the transliterated version of their legal names. When all the corrections wee made she asked for my passport picture and when we looked in our pile of pictures it was missing. We searched for it frantically, but couldn't find it. She yelled at us some more and said 'go find it or I'm not helping you" so I ran around in circles looking for it. Due to the language barrier and the janitor misunderstanding my asking him if he found a passport photo, I ended up talking to the security guards who told me "why are you looking for your picture, go next door and get new ones". I listened to them and less than 5 minutes later I was back in the office with lots of pictures.
Long story short, she yelled at my wife during her application and then asked her for two passport pictures, she only had one. She yelled at us again "I made your husband get 2 copies, why would you think you only needed one" at which point we realized that my photo was never lost, she had used it for the first form and needed a second one for the second form! Again, we'll blame the language barrier, she didn't even attempt to talk to us in English. My wife begged her to let her run next door to get pictures and she said ok, but as soon as my wife walked out the door she told me "I have to leave, go back to the waiting room and I'll get you when I'm back". I didn't think we'd ever see her again, but she showed up about a half hour later and finished our applications. Then she sent us upstairs to get the actual Teudot Zehut. When we got upstairs, the door was closed and the sign said they'd be open at 2:30PM which was 15 minutes away. My wife decided to be annoying and banged on the door until someone opened it and let us in. the lady who makes to document was yelling in hebrew "how many times do I tell them not to sent people up when we're closed!" but she took care of us anyway. 10 minutes later we were done and ran out of there as fast as possible, praying that we'd never have to come back.
During this whole 3 hour+ ordeal, the baby was being overly hyper and friendly, crawling around the floor and playing with the other kids and throwing tantrums when we picked him up. There were lots of other screaming kids and a number of adults screaming and/or crying as well. I was happy I learned the phrase "Mah Pitom", because I heard it yelled every couple seconds. I can only imagine how they came up with the plan for how to run this office, it must've been designed to acclimate people to the tough Israeli lifestyle. That, or it's a sick joke (my money's on the sick joke).
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